Cheesecake Angst
by Miki-N-Daxxi
Summary: Parody fic against angst...with a tiny dash of Johnny's Entertainment...you'll barely notice it.


***Disclaimer***

We own nothing. These characters belong to JK Rowling and Arashi (and Matsumoto Jun) belong to Johnny's Entertainment...mind, body, and soul...we just play with them for our own amusement.

**Blood, tears, and cheesecake on my pillow**

It was that day, in July, that Harry first realized that he was completely alone in the world. He had nobody who truly cared about him.

Dumbledore only cared for about him for his own purposes, Aunt Petunia used him as slave labor, Ron was incapable of making real friends who weren't too insecure about where they stood in a new and scary wizarding world, and Hermione was only in it for the all hours library access which his invisibility cloak provided.

It was then that he started cutting. He did it alone, in the dark, when nobody was watching. Embarrassed of his actions, he would smile in sick satisfaction as the knife sank deep into the white flesh of the gorgeous New York cheesecake- the red, raspberry filling gushing out as the knife penetrated deep into its core. Harry lifted the fork to his mouth and tears ran down his face….he was disgusting. He knew it. Mouthful after mouthful, but it was the only thing that made him feel.

'Nobody understands what I'm going through,' he thought emo-ly. 'Dr. Phil says he does, but he lies.' He had even tried listening to Dr. Laura, but that just made him feel guilty for being male and glad that he wasn't black…cause apparently, that's bad. 'How could that be true?' He asked himself. Blaise looked rather the opposite of bad and his body was…He drowned that thought out with another swallow of chocolate mousse. He stared at the five different types of cake that surrounded him on the floor of the Hogwarts kitchen…sometimes having house elves indebted to you was a good thing. Dobby offered him water, but Harry smacked it away.

"That doesn't have sugar in it, plebe!" He felt sorry for abusing sweet, sweet Dobby, but his addiction was too great for him to fight. At first, he only gained a few pounds, and it was fine because his robes concealed it. But soon, Hermione started asking him questions like, "Isn't your broom going to break?" or "Been hitting the sweets, have we Harry?"

"Stop judging me!" Harry screamed and tried to run away in an angsty fashion but could only briskly waddle. His widened backside very, very slowly became smaller in her vision. Hermione overheard a girl from Hufflepuff, comment to another, "Oh, my God, Becky. Look at his butt. It is so…Big!"

Harry's paranoia and emo behavior started taking over his life. He would start crying at the drop of hat. He felt that the kitchen was unsafe, and people would learn about his addiction to sweets. He started carrying cheesecake around in his robes and had transfigured his wand into a fork. If anyone so much as looked at him, he would shovel cheesecake into his mouth at mindboggling speeds thus, frightening the offending person away.

Ginny and Hermione were the first to approach him.

"Harry," Ginny said softly. "You need help."

Harry's eyes immediately started to brim with tears, and the transfigured fork started to quiver in his hand.

"Harry," said Hermione putting a caring hand on his ham-like arm, "we're just saying this because we love you and we care."

"Nobody understands me!" Harry whined in between bites of cheesecake. "You don't love me! You just want to judge me! I lived in a closet! You're always judging me! My parents died! I'm disgusting!"

"No!" objected Ginny, "you're not disgusting at all! Right, Hermione?"

"Well," started Hermione, "maybe a little disgusting."

"Too right!" said Seamus from down the hall table.

Harry burst into tears, his chair collapsing beneath him, his cheesecake falling dramatically (in slow motion) to the floor.

"Oh, for Christ's sake!" said Hermione and promptly stunned him.

Ron looked down at Harry. "Sorry, mate" he said as he levitated his friend out of the great hall and into the infirmary.

When Harry awoke, the first thing he noticed was the lack of cheesecake in his mouth. He waggled his tongue experimentally- it felt odd. He looked around noticing, all of the sudden, that he was surrounded by his so-called friends. He peered over his belly. Ow, that hurt his neck. There was Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, and Dumbledore all pretending they cared about him.

"Potter," sneered a familiar voice. Snape? Snape was there? Bloody hell.

"I'm not my mother! Stop judging me for your lost love!" Harry sobbed.

"Aigoo" said Snape and cast muffliato on the group surrounding Harry. Harry craned his neck to see over his protruding stomach, trying to read their lips as they were obviously judging him amongst themselves and saying how that hospital gown made him look like a beached whale. Those bastards. There was a general nod of consensus from the group and the silence was broken.

"Harry," said Mrs. Weasley, "we've decided that you need help with your…little food problem…" she trailed off.

"And your general angstyness," said Hermione dryly. "We're sick of you being so emo. Why don't you just repress your emotions and drink heavily, cut yourself, write bad poetry, listen to sappy alternative rock, and howl at the moon, or something like normal teenage boys?"

"You don't know much about being a teenage boy," commented Ron. "Do you?"

"Well, I don't hear you coming up with any suggestions, Ronald."

"I just wank one out when I'm feeling bad." Ron said with a shrug. A collective shudder ran through the group.

"Someone _please_ silence him," implored Snape.

Turning their attention back to the bloated figure of the boy who was now currently a floatation device, they considered the situation at hand.

"Harry," Madame Pomfry said, coming over to his bedside and taking his meaty paw in her hand. "we have come up with a way to cure you." She looked over her shoulder at a Japanese man standing in the doorway to the hospital ward. "This is Mr. Kitagawa. He wants to help you."

The elderly Japanese man came closer with a little half bow. "Please," he said, "call me Johnny." (Authors' Note: If you don't know what Johnny's Entertainment is- ignorance is ugly in any fashion- take this opportunity to inform yourself .org/wiki/Johnny_%26_Associates and watch this video /blog/2007/09/23/arashi-we-can-make-it/ - You're welcome in advance)

Harry tried to ignore the situation at hand and concentrated on using wandless magic to transfigure Mr. Kitagawa into a piece of cheesecake. Hermione shook her head.

"I can tell what you're doing, Harry. I've told you before- food is something that cannot be created from thin air using magic. Don't you listen to anything I say?"

"We mostly tune you out," said Ron. There was a general murmur of agreement throughout the room. Hermione gave a huff of exasperation and sat on the hospital bed opposite Harry.

Johnny cleared his throat, drawing the attention back to him. "Anyway," he said loudly. "I have a very special company in Japan, Harry. I take in young boys who need special attention and I know, in my pure, pure heart, would flourish under my own, personal care. It's called Johnny's Entertainment. I will put you under a contract (with a nondisclosure agreement, of course) and we'll have you dancing so hard it'll gay the angst right out of you."

"I don't think I want to sign that…" said Harry worriedly.

"Too late," said Hermione, "I signed it for you…I forged your signature."

"Hey!" exclaimed Harry.

**~~~~~~Back to the Present~~~~**

"And so that's where I've been for a year, and that's how I lost all that weight. Now, whenever I try to think of," he struggled, "ch-cheesecake, all I can think is 'MatsuJun'" said Harry round off back handspring, the sequins on his jacket twinkling, blinding passersby.

Draco Malfoy merely stared at him, frozen to the spot where he'd stood for the last 20 minutes…absolutely stupified. His eye twitched slightly. "All I said was 'Bugger off, Potter' it was a passing comment…I didn't…I need to be alone now." He shook his head, and walked away.

Harry smiled happily after him. "Have a rainbow filled day! We can make it through!"

And that is the conclusion of our rant-fic on angst. If you write angsty fanfics…we want to pelt you with Arashi.


End file.
